Category: Dark (25)

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!" "Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.

What part of a vegetable are you not supposed to eat?

The wheelchair.

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

Doctor: "I have some news about your baby." Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise." Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."

What's black and sits at the top of a stairwell?

A paraplegic after a house fire.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One's satisfying to hit with a sledgehammer. The other's a watermelon.

What's the difference between a baby and a pile of sand?

You can't pick a pile of sand up with a pitchfork.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's funnier when children get it.

I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.