Category: Any (208)

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start. The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea: How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

How do you generate a random string?

Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

The six stages of debugging: 1. That can't happen. 2. That doesn't happen on my machine. 3. That shouldn't happen. 4. Why does that happen? 5. Oh, I see. 6. How did that ever work?

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One's satisfying to hit with a sledgehammer. The other's a watermelon.

What's the difference between a baby and a pile of sand?

You can't pick a pile of sand up with a pitchfork.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's funnier when children get it.

I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you always procrastinate."

I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

Oysters hate to give away their pearls because they are shellfish.

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

I hate Russian matryoshka dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

Why did the Romanian stop reading?

They wanted to give the Bucharest.

My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus. I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright: He said "Weird flex, butt okay."

My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

So I made a graph of all my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.