Category: Misc (31)

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

A perfectionist walked into a bar... apparently, the bar was not set high enough.

"99.9% of the people are dumb!"

"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"

My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.

What does the mermaid wear to math class?

Algae-bra.

Never date a baker. They're too kneady.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why are cats so good at video games?

They have nine lives.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

Why was the mushroom always invited to parties?

Cause he's a fungi.

How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

Why was the river rich?

Because it had two banks.

This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

What's the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, the other's a yeeted ham.

If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you always procrastinate."

I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.