What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.